Top-Secret Microsoft Marketing Code

/* Project: Version - Windows 2000 */
/* Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): */

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define  say(x)                    lie(x)
#define  computeruser              ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define  next_year                 soon
#define  product_is_ready_to_ship  another_beta_version

void main()
  if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
                        /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
      say("It will be ready in one month");
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days, ", we're just testing");
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      say("It will run on a 486 with lightning speed;",
          "due to the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Build a new memory chip plant, ",
             "'cos all those customers will need at least 256 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales",
                      "will triple");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make ",
          "a better world for everyone");
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      if (time_is_ripe)
        if (journalist_says_windows2000_is_bugfree)
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
      say("They are all lying");
      say("They don't know what they are talking about");
      order(lawyers, sue_journalist_for_damages);
  while (vapourware)
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem" ||
          "it's not a bug, it's a feature!");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_real_multitasking)
              "Keep an eye on this bastard");
    if (bills_bank_account > skyhigh && marriage > two_years)
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
    if (there_is_another_company)
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware */
  /* and they are all angry at us */

  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);

void bugfix(void)
  charge (a_lot_of_money);
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
    register(customer, Big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

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