Top-Secret Microsoft Marketing Code

/* Project: Version - Windows 2000 */
/* Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): */

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */


#define  say(x)                    lie(x)
#define  computeruser              ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define  next_year                 soon
#define  product_is_ready_to_ship  another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_real_multitasking);
                        /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_faster);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month");
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
    }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days, ", we're just testing");
      break;
    case WILL_THIS_REAL_MULTITASKING_THING_WORK:
      say("Yes it will work");
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);
      break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
      say("It will run on a 486 with lightning speed;",
          "due to the 32 bits architecture");
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Build a new memory chip plant, ",
             "'cos all those customers will need at least 256 megs");
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales",
                      "will triple");
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
      break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFTS_INFLUENCE_GROW_TOO_HIGH:
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make ",
          "a better world for everyone");
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
      if (time_is_ripe)
      {
        arrest(journalist);
        brainwash(journalist);
        if (journalist_says_windows2000_is_bugfree)
        {
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
          release (journalist);
        }
      }
      break;
    case WHAT_ABOUT_THE_SENTENCE_OF_COURT:
      say("They are all lying");
      say("They don't know what they are talking about");
      order(lawyers, sue_journalist_for_damages);
      break;
  }
  while (vapourware)
  {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
      break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version);
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem" ||
          "it's not a bug, it's a feature!");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_real_multitasking)
      {
        ignore(customer);
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
              "Keep an eye on this bastard");
      }
    }
    if (bills_bank_account > skyhigh && marriage > two_years)
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beautiful_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
        dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware */
  /* and they are all angry at us */

  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island);
  hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
           for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money);
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, Big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}


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